Few could question the value or convenience of Amazon. What began as a virtual bookstore in 1994 is now a sprawling marketplace connecting buyers and sellers of every shape and size. And you really can get pretty much anything on Amazon.
You want a gallon of vintage whole milk? It could be yours for a mere $74.
You want a soil sample from Roswell, New Mexico? If you have Amazon Prime, you can get it with free shipping.
Looking for an inflatable sheep that appears to be wearing eye shadow and lipstick? You can get that too. I don’t want to know what you plan on doing with it, but you can get it.
Amazon is a weird and wonderful place where you can pick up James Joyce’s Ulysses and Cookin’ With Coolio in a single visit, where you can purchase 55 Gallon Drums of personal lubricant or a 1500 count of ladybugs in an egg drop soup container, where you can buy a costume that transforms your dog into a stegosaurus or a “Ham Dogger” that transforms your burgers into dogs.
Amazon is like Wal-Mart, but with even less shame.
The point is, you could get really lost on Amazon if you don’t know what you’re doing. Fortunately for us, Amazon is also home to a thriving community of product reviewers whose greatest concern is guiding you to the perfect purchase, be it a 4 oz bottle of Coyote Urine or a throw pillow with Nicholas Cage’s face on it. In honor of the painstaking efforts undertaken by this hardworking community of product experts, we’ve compiled a few of our very favorite Amazon product reviews here. And if you do decide, after reading, to hop on Amazon and grab yourself a Full Body Spandex Suit or a middle-aged Asian Man Wall Decal, tell ‘em we sent you.
And with that, here are 10 Hilarious Amazon Product Reviews for your browsing pleasure.
You can buy this paperback page-turner for a mere $410.17. The product description tells us that this exhaustive text “covers the latent demand outlook for wood toilet seats across the regions of Greater China, including provinces, autonomous regions.”
To date, it has been the subject of 142 customer reviews. Among them:
Lance Kates says:
All i did was look at the cover, but i already knew from the start. This is, without a doubt, still a better story than twilight.
In January of 2010, brutus said:
This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day. Now today, here I am surfing Amazon and wouldn’t you know it? The 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China. I am so happy the price seems reasonable. I’m thinking Amazing Anniversary Present!!!!!!
In November of 2010, user 5318008 warned that the item in question is “**NOT** a MicroSoft product!!!!” The reviewer went on to note that:
I was thinking, “Sweet! Finally a version of Outlook that will run on my wooden Chinese toilet seats!!” Little did I know this has **NOTHING** to do with Outlook for Windows or any other MicroSoft product. It is NOT a five-year wooden-toilet email/calendar software product, but is in fact some kind of WELL-DONE REPORT ON TOILET SEATS!! By coincidence still entirely useful to me in my line of business but now I will have to find some other way to coordinate my inter-seat schedules and emails!! Buyer beware!!
9. Uranium Ore
This item will set you back $39.50 and its seller describes it as “Useful for testing Geiger counters and performing nuclear experiments”
At the time of writing, it was the #84th best seller in the Industrial & Scientific subcategory called “Calibration” and had been reviewed 1,409 times.
In December of 2013, anon pd observed that:
I thought I was ordering Uranium 235. This stuff is not fissionable and not at all appropriate for building a death ray or small nuclear reactor.
Giving the product only three of five stars in May of 2009, Patrick J. McGovern said:
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.
Retailing at $3.95 and described as “The Pen America Grew Up With,” the BIC Cristal Xtra Smooth Ball Pen “features a roll-proof hexagonal-shaped barrel so it won’t roll off surfaces. The clear barrel offers a visible ink supply.”
This practical item has been reviewed 598 times.
In a December 2007 review, donniedarko says:
Do you recall the old Bic commercials where they fire a Bic pen into a piece of wood and it still writes? Well I do, but I never really believed it. That is, until I had the necessary task of defending my life with the aid of a Bic pen. Coming home and alarming an intruder, I found myself locked in mortal combat with a very large man who was intent on killing me. My only weapon was the Bic Cristal ballpoint pen I routinely carry in the breast pocket of my starched white pinpoint oxford button down.
I was able to successfully insert my Bic Cristal ballpoint pen into the esophogial area of my attacker’s throat and incapacitate him until the constables arrived to take him into custody. Paramedics removed the pen from his throat and returned it to me. Rather amazingly, I wiped the blood and a small amount of body tissue from the pen and used it to write my police statement.
Though not commonly considered a weapon of self defense, my Bic Cristal ballpoint pen proved to me the old adage that “the pen is mightier than the sword.” (I must admit though, that I would have far preferred a sword had I the option to choose beforehand.) All in all, a five star rating for this dual-use pen.
That same month, Pete Strohs gave the pen four out of five stars noting that:
I’ve been in and out of prison most of my life and I specialize the in fine art of prison tattooing. Now, I’ve tried many types of pens, Pilots, Sanfords, Paper Mates, and others. But for the sheer consistency of color, permeability, and aesthetic character, I use only BIC(R) Cristal(R) Ballpoint Pens.
When you try to get the ink to adhere to a sharpened paper clip, you instantly can tell the difference in workability with a Bic. The fine line work reqired in realistically rendering a flaming serpent wrapping the bare breasts of a nymph straddling a crucifix would be nearly impossible with any other pen.
Clients can be picky. So when I aim to please I trust on BIC(R) Cristal(R) Ballpoint Pens.
In January of 2010, Amazon Customer wrote:
I live in 1982. I don’t know why, but every December 31st, time goes back to January 1st, 1982. I have to live the whole year again, every single day. From the dissaparition of Mark Thatcher, to the Japan Airlines Flight 350 crash, to the Falkland Wars. At least in November each year Michael Jackson releases Thriller, and my dad gives it to me as a birthday present a couple of weeks later. In audio cassette tape format.
You know, the only thing i have got to listen to music around here is my dependable TPS-L2 Walkman. It plays cassette tapes. The only problem is that it eats batteries like Pac-Man eats dots, so i have to be careful with rewinding my cassette tape manually so i don’t waste the batteries doing such lowly task. I need my music man, it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. And i know that in January 1st i won’t have Thriller because of the stupid time loop, and i’ll have to wait eleven months before i get to listen to it again.
Well, back to the pen: the Cristal Stic Ballpoint Pen fits exactly in the holes of a cassette tape, so i insert it there and then i make the tape turn around the pen to rewind it. A couple of minutes later, and the tape is completely rewound. My Bic pen has never broke or anything during such task.
I don’t use it to write, though. Not often.
I’m just using the pen right now to write this note, that i will leave on my copy of Michael Ende’s Neverending Story (ironic, isn’t it ?) The note will remain hidden there until the year 2010, when you’ll open the book and find it. Then you’ll be able to copy my review and post it on Amazon.com . Why, do you ask ? Well, i’m not sure, but i’ve been in 1982 too many times, more times than i’m able to remember.
Valued at $13.14, its manufacturers describe Veet For Men Gel Cream as “a quick and effective way to remove body hair leaving your skin feeling smoother for up to twice as long as shaving.” Though this product only has 107 reviews, many of them are quite detailed.
In a five star review from May of 2012, Randy Amarus told potential buyers:
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
In September of 2014 Jonny Maelstromon said:
Having read and re-read many of the reviews about this product I decided to push the boundaries of human endurance to hitherto unknown limits. The reason I did this remain a mystery to me to this day. One week after placing my order and £13,211 lighter I took delivery of 126 cases of Veet and for the next thrsee days pumped every bottle dry into a dump skip pre-lined with carbon fibre impregnated lead. Initially all went well with my pumping and I adopted a steady regime of 4 hours pumping followed by 30 minutes rest, but as the hours rolled by it seemed as though nature itself had started to cry. By the end of day one dark clouds gathered overhead, whilst just five miles distant my nearest neighbours basked in glorious sunshine. At 3.18 pm on day two I noticed that birds no longer sang in any of the trees around my castle, and the once familiar bees were swarming as one into the flames of our industrial boiler. As dawn broke on day three a wolf walked out of the forest in a state of total delirium. It sat next to the six remaining cases of Veet and with rolling eyes began to tear off its own flesh in a methodical yet detached manner. As the wolf finally expired I noticed that the fumes from the Veet skip had already dissolved every hair on my body and the enamel surrounding the nerves of my teeth had entirely disappeared. Doggedly pumping the final bottles of Veet into the skip caused the loss of every nail on my hands and my lips to shrivel back hideously back into my face like an poorly preserved mummy, painfully exposing my flapping teeth nerves to the elements . Eyes and nose bleeding and with the fabric of my ear drums almost completely dissolved I could only just detect the enormous crash of thunder and flash of lightning as I finally removed my clothes and prepared to dive naked into my bath of destiny. I find it difficult to write in words what happened during the next moments of my now massively altered and shortened life but force myself to do so for the sake of all future users. Every muscle in my body went into acute spasm and my mouth let forth a silent scream of such torment that trees shed their bark in a bizarre defensive reaction. I thrashed and clawed around in the skip in a desperate attempt to get out but my liquified fingers melted mockingly against the rim. My once proud cervical massager retracted with such velocity that it reappeared through my rear gunner only to detach from my body and hiss downwards like a doomed U boat into the unforgiving cream from hell. How I eventually came to get out of the skip no one truly knows. Some say that a blind panther swung down on a rope and plucked me out with it’s claws, whilst others simply say nothing. I have bought Veet, I have pumped Veet, I have lain with Veet. I am Veet.
Retailing at $14.95, Amazon says that shoppers who purchased this item frequently paired it with Canned Dragon Meat. The product manufacturer also boasts that Canned Unicorn Meat is an “Excellent source of sparkles!” With 619 customer reviews, this is by far the most popular unicorn meat option on the web.
In May of 2013, Irma Gerd warned:
Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams.
In July of 2013, web hero and former captain of the Starship Excelsior, George Takei said that:
When my shipment of unicorn meat from RADIANT FARMS finally arrived, I prepared the fragrant pate as a maki roll, wrapped in seaweed and spread over some sushi rice, with a little unagi sauce on top. This had been a staple during WWII when spam was standard issue in Hawaii, and it was how my cousins used to prepare it. Ah, the memories. I even had a half carafe of cold, unfiltered sake to pair with it.
Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I’d been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward).
Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, “farmed” unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California in fact is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is.
I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger.
And in June of that same year, mark e said that:
I was pleasantly surprised by the unicorn meat, even though canned. it is more tender than the centaur i’ve had, and far less stringy than faun.
my only concern is that after feeding it to my infant son, his diaper was filled with skittles.
For a mere $3.95, this semi-vintage five cent piece could be yours. With just 22 customer reviews, this is among the more under-appreciated bargains on Amazon.
Katherine Perry describes a disappointing experience, noting in February of 2014 that:
I was going to take the bus to town for a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop but I noticed I was a nickel short. Being smart I know that you can find anything on amazon so I ran to my computer and typed in nickel. Sure enough this one popped up. I was thrilled. it was only going to cost me $4.74 with shipping. Naturally I ordered it right away.. This is where the disappointing part comes in. I had to wait over a week for the nickel to arrive in the mail. In the time I waited I spent a quarter and 2 dimes. Now I need to go search amazon for quarters and dimes…Stupid slow shipping!
George gave the product a scathing one star review in January of 2015, remarking that:
As the title suggests, this is a Philadelphia Mint, the Jefferson Nickel brand. As an avid mint lover, I was cautious because I had never heard of the Jefferson Nickel brand, but I ended up buying it anyway for the design. Let me tell you, this was the worst mint I have ever ingested.
On a more positive note, in June of 2013, Coog08 exclaimed:
Wow! As an avid nickel enthusiast I found this product to be exactly what I needed. My wife and I argued for weeks before finally pulling the trigger on this one. It came exactly as described. She is a HUGE Lincoln fan but I was diagnosed with Cuprolaminophobia last year so it’s best I stay away from all things copper! It’s been a huge strain on our relationship.
If any president is going to be riding shotgun in my pocket it better be a Jefferson. I think this nickel saved my marriage!
Creep out friends and alienate neighbors for just $21.84. Product manufacturers describe this terrifying item as an “awesome conversation piece” that will make you “the life of the party.” They also point out that it’s imported and made of latex. This item has been reviewed a staggering 2,731 times.
In a five star review from December of 2012, ByronicHero said:
It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place… But we will be ready.
In another five star review from July of 2011, John Neal writes:
When I turned State’s Witness, they didn’t have enough money to put me in the Witness Protection Program, so they bought me this mask and gave me a list of suggested places to move. Since then I’ve lived my life in peace and safety knowing that my old identity is forever obscured by this life-saving item.
Calling the item “Fun, Educational, Durable,” in February of 2012, Humanvegetableon said that:
Once you put on the mask, you will feel like a horse.
I’ve learned alot about being a horse. People want to avoid you on the streets.
With 3,281 Reviews, the Three Wolf Moon T is clearly among Amazon’s most fashion-forward offerings. Priced between $8.04 and $49.99, its makers describe the product as a “hand dyed tee shirt features a stunning screen print graphic on a preshrunk, 100% cotton tee.” User reviews are overwhelmingly positive.
In November of 2008, Amazon Customer observed that:
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time…
Seth G. Macy also gave the item five stars, noting in May of 2009 that:
I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn’t think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie.
In a five star review from May of 2009, overlook1977 said:
Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.
For penning this deeply important maritime safety reference, author John W. Trimmer is the recipient of an enviable 1,343 reviews, most of them quite favorable. The text retails for a tidy sum of $74.61. Of course, you can’t put a price on safety.
Awarding Trimmer’s book five of five stars in February of 2011, Noel D. Hill said that:
As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I’m sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don’t even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn’t help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can’t always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I’m confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships.
Noting that the book “Reads like a whodunnit!,” Fitz also gave it five stars when reviewing in December of 2010. Fitz indicated that:
I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!
In 2011, Cap’n Crunch offered a highly informative review, calling this:
one of the best huge ship avoidance references I’ve come across, not just for the effective methods it teaches as to avoiding huge ships, but also for exploding some of the huge ship avoidance myths that many of us take for granted.
– Do not charge the huge ship at full speed in an attempt to scare it off. This may work with coyotes, but it is less effective with huge ships.
– Similarly, do not roll your boat over and play dead. Unless the huge ship is captained by a grizzly bear, this will not work.
– Do not attempt to go under the huge ship. This is typically not successful.
– Do not attempt to jump over the huge ship.
Captain Trimmer presents a rather novel technique for avoiding huge ships – move your boat out of the path of the huge ship. I know what you’re thinking, this goes against conventional wisdom, but Trimmer presents significant empirical evidence to support his theory. Indeed, over the long run, moving out of the way will dramatically decrease the number of huge ship collisions you will have to endure in your daily life.
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is by far the most popular item on Amazon that nobody would actually ever buy. Reviewed an incredible 5,541 times and retailing at just $3.84, the best incentive that its manufacturers can offer is that “Kids love slicing their own bananas.”
Reviewers loved the item as well. In March of 2011, SW3K gave the slicer five stars, admitting that:
For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
In July of 2012, Mrs. Toledo also gave the item five stars and credited it with saving her marriage:
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!
Uncle Pookie was also happy enough to award the item five stars, noting in an August 2012 review that:
Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using – it works much better. Ordering one for my nephew who’s in the air force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his banana’s. He should really enjoy this product!
Not everybody enjoyed a positive experience with the Hutzler 571 though. In December of 2012, Hubert said:
Maybe I’m doing it wrong, but I can’t get this thing hooked up to my wifi network. Am I supposed to slice my bananas over an ethernet cable? What is this, 2005?
And giving the item just two of five stars in August of 2012, Jim Anderson said:
I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.
Well, that’s our list but we bet you’ve stumbled across a few gems of your own. Hit us up in the Comment section below and share some of your favorite Amazon Product Reviews.